Right now I am facing the ‘ever decreasing tunnel’. It’s not an easy place to be as it has this tendency to get tighter and tighter until my whole bodyheartmind feels squeezed and constricted. I get unpleasant sensations in my heart, belly, throat and jaw, mostly tension, heat and prickly feelings. Emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually I feel ‘on the brink’ of something when the tunnel affect is happening. Also I feel anxious and on edge.
There is a desire to distract myself from the experience and self medicate, unsurprisingly as it really affects my whole being in a difficult way. I feel toxic and low as well as fatigued and foggy.
So what helps and what’s it about? As I alluded to earlier when I have these experiences they tend to be the build up to a shift or release, a letting go and some kind of cleansing, healing experience. Of course I don’t know for sure if this is going to go the same way.
I suppose I believe on some level that this is life wisdom at work. And that this intelligence requires that I allow it to take its course and not get into numbing, medicating or disassociation behaviours. This is easier said than done and sometimes I can’t help but distract. I would in fact say that this can be the compassionate thing to do, as being with this discomfort for long periods can become a real grind on the heart and soul.
It so happens that this time I am also without a mobile (cell). My phone broke yesterday and so I am out of contact and without internet also. I actually think that this is part of the conditions that helped birth this most recent tunnel (birth canal?)
I find it re-assuring that I have been in similar places a number of times before and, as far as I can remember, they have all led to this release or letting go experience. So with this in mind I have learned to soften into it somewhat and trust that this is an unpleasant but necessary part of my process.
That doesn’t stop it from being scary, as like I said I just don’t know how it’s going to turn out. Of course we don’t really know that for anything in life, even if we like to kid ourselves that we do.
Certainly it helps to unhook from the internal judge around feeling so tense and on edge. For me the valorising of relaxation as something we ‘should’ all be aiming for can really lead to a shaming experience around feelings like I am having right now. Yet life is about movement and one such movement is the tension, release movement that underpins so much of what we need to function; walking, running, breathing, heart beats, death and birth. Certainly my experience is that birth and death are not a once in a lifetime process. We can have many ‘greater/lesser’ births and deaths throughout our time on this earth.